The Strip Club

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?”
His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.
“Oh, no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.”
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, “How did she know that you drink Budweiser?”

“She’s in the Ladies’ Bowling League, honey.

We share lanes with them.” A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave,
and says “Hi Davey. Want your usual lap dance, big boy?”
Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book. The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.”

Sexual Tips

Two older men are sitting on a park bench talking when one of them asks the other about his sex life. The man says that he has an excellent sex life and is still very active in the sack.

The other man confesses that his sexual appetite has greatly diminished with old age, so he asks the other man if he has any secrets for staying sexually vital.

"Well," the man answers, "I eat rye bread everyday. If you just eat rye bread, your sex life will improve dramatically."

The other man decides to follow this advice and finds a bakery nearby. He tells the clerk behind the counter that he wants all of the loaves of rye bread that they have in stock.

The clerk then asks the man, "Do you want whole loaves or do you want us to slice them?"

The man looks puzzled and asks the clerk, "What’s the difference?"

The clerk responds, "Well, when it's sliced, it gets harder faster."

To which the man responds, "How come everyone knows about this but me?"

---

Celebrity jokes

Madonna,Britney and Christina

Due to a mixup on Grammy night, Madonna, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera are forced to share a private jet in order to arrive in time for the ceremony. Once up in the air, Madonna pulls out a $1000 bill and says "I’m going to throw this $1000 bill out the window and make someone down below very happy." Not to be outdone, Britney ripped $1000 bill in half and threw it out the window, saying, "Look, I just made two people really happy." Not even noticing Britney’s stupid move, Christina bragged, "Look, I’m going to throw 1000 $1 bills and make a lot more people a little happier." At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can’t stand it anymore, comes out and says, "I think I’ll throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy.

If Britney Spears and Fat Bastard mated...

If Britney Spears and Fat Bastard mated, the resulting child would be:Anna Nicole Smith.

What did Micheal Jackson said to his cock...
Q: What did Michael Jackson say when his cock slid in the little boys arse?
A: There is a great musician in you.

A definition of God
A little boy was learning about God in his church, and he was talking to his mother about it. She, not wanting to place prejudice in the little boy's mind, sat him and said: "God is not a man or a woman, and God is not black or white." To which the child responded, "Well, then is God Michael Jackson?"

Do the math
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.She called on him and said, "Johnny! what are 4, 2, 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

A man lay sprawled across three entries seats...

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "the balcony."

Meet
How did Bill and Hillary Clinton first meet?

They were both dating the same girl in high school.

Interesting Jokes

Tennis ball

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball. Seeing no one around that it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.

Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.

A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.

"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.

"Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful. I had tennis elbow once."

Little Johnny

Little Johnny's is coming home from the store swinging the loaf of bread in one hand and the other hand in his pants pocket.

Along come Priest Joe and he thinks to himself, "This is a good opportunity to say something from the bible to Little Johnny."

He walks up to Little Johnny and says, "I see Little Johnny that you have the Staff of Life in one hand. What do you have in the other?"

Little Johnny replies, "A loaf of bread Father."

Knock knock

Knock, knock!

Who's there?

An escaped serial killer!

Not hiring

Job Applicant: "I'm looking for a job as a consultant."
Employer: "I'm sorry, we already have enough cosultants."
Applicant: "That's ok, with my experience, I can be an advisor."
Employer: "More than we can use already."
Applicant: As he is getting desperate, "I'm not proud, I can do paperwork, I'll be a clerk, If you have too many, I'll start as a janitor."
Employer: "It just doesn't seem that we have any openings for a person with your qualifications."
Applicant: As he stands up and angrily yells, "work for you I'd have to be a low life, belly crawling, double dealing jerk!"
Employer: "Well, you didn't say you were an attorney, have a seat, we may have an opening."

Bikini Babes

Glamour photo shoot of Sweet Sexy Bikini DOLLS Hard At Work On The Beach..

Maria sharapova in bikini

The sexiest tennis player in swimwear

Euro 2008 hot girls

Sexy Aishwarya Rai

This is sexy video of Hollywood & Bollywood actress Aishwarya Rai.I think you will love this video.l

Most hot sexy Celeb

This video is hottest and sexiest one of most hot celeb.I think you guys will love it.check it out now.

Perfect Couple

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple were driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the Eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.
Who was the only survivor?
GUess??????

Its perfect woman because there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus in reality.
This is end for women only.
-
-
Now guys this is why that accident took place?
AS there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus so the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

The 10 Most Important People in a Woman's Life

Here are the 10 most important person in a women life....
1. The doctor
because he says, "Take off your clothes"

2. The dentist
because he says, "Open Wide"

3. The hairdresser
because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown"

4. The milkman
because he says, "Do you want it in the front or in back?"

5. The Interior Decorator
because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it!"

6. The banker
because he says,"If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest"

7. The police officer
because he says, "Spread 'em"

8. The mailman
because he always delivers his package.

9. The pilot
because he takes off fast and then slows down.

10. The hunter
because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.

Blond.... but Strong

This video is really cool one.Its about girl who defeat strong boy check it out how???

fun time
video

Understanding Women

If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman ???,????

If you don't, you are not a man ???,????

If you praise her, she thinks you are lying ???,????

If you don't, you are good for nothing ???,????

If you agree to all her likes, she is abusing ???,?????

If you don't, you are not understanding ???,????

If you make romance, you are an 'experienced man' ???,????

If you don't you are half a man ???,????

If you visit her too often, she thinks it is boring ???,????

If you don't, she accuses you of double crossing ???,????

If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy ???,????

If you don't, you are a dull boy ???,????

If you are jealous, she says it's bad ???,????

If you don't , she thinks you do not love her ???,????

If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her ???,????

If you don't, she thinks you do not like her ???,????

If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard to wait ???,????

If she is late, she says that's a girl's way ???,????

If you visit another, she accuses you of being a heel ???,????

If she is visited by another, 'oh it's natural, we are girls' ???,????

If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold ???,????

If you kiss her too many, she yells that you are taking advantage ???,????

If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics ????,?????

If you do, she thinks it's just one of the man's tactics ????,?????

If you stare at other, she accuses you of flirting ????,?????

If she is stared by others, she says that they are just admiring ????, ?????

If you talk, she wants you to listen ????,????

If you listen, she wants you to talk ????,?????

Oh God! you created those creature called "WOMAN' ???!??????????

So simple, yet so complex ????

So weak, yet so powerful ????

So confusing, yet so desirable ?????,?????

"O LORD, tell me what to do. AMEN" ???!????????

How various people search for Wife????

FISHERMAN
Wife wanted, must be able to dig, clean, cook worms and clean fish.
Must have own boat with motor.
Please send photograph of motorboat.

SALESMAN
Once in a lifetime offer, to get yourself the original, genuine article. One of the most handsome and smartest bachelor's around is now looking for a wife. And you could be the lucky one he chooses! Has own house, car and successful career!

ECONOMIST
I am in demand of a wife. Supply is great though my requirements are high. However the Elasticity of my demands should not bear too heavy a burden upon the national interest.

MATHEMATICIAN
Wife required to complete the formula of my life. Must be numerate and understand complex algebraic logarithms. Needed to help further my family unit.

IT CONSULTANT
Well there is definite room for improvement in my life. The speed of my current flows of information and processes is slowing down and the injection of a wife into my life is bound to improve efficiency. Compatibility could be an issue.

BUSINESS MAN
Wife wanted for company.

POLITICIAN
I feel there is a need in this world, to improve the ways we live, to harmonize the processes of life and to build upon past differences and short comings. I believe that we the people need someone to share our lives. To feel the joys of parent hood, and bear the social responsibilities, as we should in a civilized society................. (etc etc and never getting to the point)

CAR DEALER
Wanted a sturdy, reliable, low depreciating wife. Should be in excellent working condition.

FARMER
Wanted a wife from good stock. Required for breading.

LAWYER
I hereby propose to solicit myself as an eligible candidate for the post of wife after marriage.
The person whom I'm looking for should be strictly -a girl. The girl should be strictly a girl, with evidence to support this view that she is a girl. The girl should be willing to surrender to the service and jurisdiction of My Lord i.e. Myself. Any objections would be overruled and will not be sustained. Apply in limited confidence as all liabilities are null and void in the event of failure on our part of any kind whatsoever.

PILOT
Wife required to complete my life. Please only level headed applicants. She must not have her heads in the clouds, but have her feet firmly on the ground. Her heart must be in it for the long haul. And she absolutely must also be aerodynamically sound!!!

BANKER
Wanted wife who takes interest in me and credits me with her service.

ACCOUNTANT
Required a girl - 5'8' & 36' 24' 36' with a good head for figures. She must be averse to making unnecessary expenditure and her very nature should be one of generating as few expenses in my life as possible. She should profit from a nice personality and be a credit to her family.

DRUNKARD
Wanted a girl. Girl's father should preferably have a drinks factory. I am an occasional alcoholic who drinks only when friends come round. Friends come round only seven times a week. Girl preferred who can carry me from bar to ghar-bar. Meet personally in a bar or send drinks for trial. Sample should be ample.

MINICAB DRIVER
Hello! Hello! number 9 calling. This is number 9 I'm calling from base, erm a wife is needed for pick me up. Driving license not necessary, but map reading skills are a bonus.

BUILDER
Wanted a wife to help build upon the foundations of my life. Must be homely and willing to build relationship from the ground up.

DOCTOR
I am looking for a wife to cure the emptiness in my life. However if you feel the need for a second opinion then it's fine by me.

ARMY COMMANDO
My mission in life is to find myself the perfect wife. Successful applicants must be able to use a penknife and a compass. She who dares wins. Camouflage provided.

RACE CAR DRIVER
A model wife required to fit in with my fast track life. Must be able to keep pace!

ASTRONAUT
I'm searching for a wife to fill the space in my life. Someone to share my universe. Must have looks that are out of this world!

The differences between bosses and employees

When I take a long time, I am slow.
When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough.

When I don't do it, I am lazy.
When my boss doesn't do it, he is too busy.

When I do something without being told, I am trying to be smart.
When my boss does the same, that is initiative.

When I please my boss, I am toadying.
When my boss pleases his boss, he's co-operating.

When I do something good, my boss never remembers.
When I do wrong, he never forgets.

Men VS Women

THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM " He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied , "in-laws

WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

W O R D S

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

Slogans for women's T-shirts

1. So many men, so few who can afford me.

2. God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends.

3. If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I ain't going.

4. At my age, I've seen it all, done it all, heard it all...I just can't remember it all.

5. My Mother Is a travel agent for guilt trips.

6. Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog.

7. Coffee, chocolate, men . . . Some things are just better rich.

8. Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.

9. If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

10. Dinner Is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.

11. It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

12. I'm out of estrogen-and I have a gun.

13. Guys have feelings too. But like...who cares?

14. Next mood swing: 6 minutes.

15. I hate everybody...and you're next.

16. And your point is...?

17. I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

18. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

19. Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time.

20. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.

21. You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.

22. All stressed out and no one to choke.

23. I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.

24. How can I miss you if you won't go away?

25. Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.

26. If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.

27. Don't upset me! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies

Female Chemistry

MATERIALS SAFETY DATA SHEET: WOMEN - A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS

ELEMENT: Women

SYMBOL: Wo

DISCOVERER: Adam

ATOMIC MASS: Accepted at 53.6kg, but known to vary from 40-200kg

OCCURRENCES: Copious quantities in all urban areas

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Surface usually covered in painted film.
2. Boils at nothing; freezes without known reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields if pressure applied in correct places.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Has great affinity for gold, silver, and a range of precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity increases greatly by saturation in alcohol.
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

COMMON USES:

1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Very effective cleaning agent.

TESTS:

1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

HAZARDS:

1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other.

Female Logic

"Yes" = No

"No" = Yes

"Maybe" = No

"I'm sorry" = You'll be sorry

"We need" = I want

"It's your decision" = The correct decision should be obvious by now

"Do what you want" = You'll pay for this later

"We need to talk" = I need to complain

"Sure go ahead" = I don't want you to

"I'm not upset" = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

"You're so manly" = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

"Be romantic, turn out the lights" = I have flabby thighs

"This kitchen is so inconvenient" = I want a new house

"I want new curtains" = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper

"I heard a noise" = I noticed you were almost asleep

"Do you love me?" = I'm going to ask for something expensive

"How much do you love me?" = I did something today you're going to hate

"I'll be ready in a minute" = Just going to wash my hair

"You have to learn to communicate" = Just agree with me

"Are you listening to me!?" = Too late, you're dead

Coolest video Ever

video


I fell in love with it. I found it to be so neat and inspiring so I posted it on my page. I didn't want to be greedy so I'm posting this blog so I can share it with everyone. It looks like it was done with just white gloves and a black light. How neat would it be if our church could put something together like this!!! I hope you enjoy it and God Bless each and every one of you!

Coolest cell phone in the world

Music Porter X

Available in safari green, the Music Porter X utilizes Macromedia Flash for its military-style user interface, complete with knobs, dials, and even a mock-up reel-to-reel screen. It sports a super bright 2.8-inch LCD screen, VGA camera, USB connectivity, and an integrated music player.

Honorable Mention - Dual-Screen Cell Phone

Alloy Total Product Design has unveiled "The Polygon", a dual-screened cell phone concept. It boasts two displays: a standard high-resolution display for viewing data and a touchscreen for accessing menus, etc.

If you wish to watch television, or browse the net, this is the screen that'll display all of the video and pictures. The second screen is sensitive to the touch, and is thus a lot more durable. This is the screen used for navigation of the various features and media available on The Polygon

Honorable Mention - Motorola PVOT Phone

Designed for developing nations, the Motorola PVOT concept is a hand crank, rechargeable AA battery-powered phone. You get one minute of use for every 25 cranks. Other features include a 125 x 125 Dot Matrix LCD and an "Eraser Shield" keypad.