marriage jokes

A man is almost about to die
As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, "I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but I've slept with dozens of them." His wife looked at him calmly and said, "Why do you think I gave you the poison?"


A very desperate Marriage
A man really loved a woman, but he was just too shy to propose to her. Now he was up in his years and neither of them had ever been married. Of course, they dated about once a week for the past six years, but he was so timid he just never got around to suggesting marriage much less living together.But one day, he became determined to ask her the question. So he calls her on the phone, "June." "Yes, this is June." "Will you marry me?" "Of course I will! Who's this?"


Do you already have a child?
During the wedding ceremony, when the minister/preacher/priest comes to the part about, "If anyone has any reason why these two people should not marry, speak up now or forever hold your peace...

" have this four-to-six year old boy running up the aisle yelling, "Daddy, daddy." I understand from a friend who played this joke on a relative that it took almost an hour to get the wedding started again.

Be afraid if you annoy this husband
A man and woman where on their honeymoon after a long and very happy courtship. On their honeymoon, they decide to take their horses through the beautiful mountain passes of Europe. As the horses were crossing a small stream, the woman's horse mis-steps and jostles the man's wife. Once across the stream, the man dismounts, walks over to the horse, and stares into its eyes. Finally, he states, "That's one." The man remounts his horse and they continue their ride.A bit further down the path, the woman's horse stumbles when stepping over a fallen tree. The man dismounts, stares the horse in the eyes, and boldly states, "That's two!" He returns to his saddle and they move on.As the afternoon sun began to set, the woman's horse once again lost its footing on a mossy slope. The man dismounts, moves to the woman's horse, and helps his wife out of the saddle the man. Moving to the front of the horse he stares it in the eyes and firmly says, "That's three," removes a pistol from his vest, and shots the horse dead.The woman, quite upset at seeing the beautiful horse killed, says to her husband, "That's terrible, why would you do such a thing!"The man stares at his wife and firmly says, "That's one!"

Wife was mad at me
Two deaf men were in a coffee shop discussing their wives. One signs to the other, boy was my wife mad at me last night! She went on and on and wouldn't stop! The other Buddy says when my wife goes off on me I just don't listen. How do you do that? Says the other. It's easy! I turn off the light

A kid's view on marriage

What Exactly Is Marriage?"
Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents" -Eric, six years old"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.' Then she says yes, but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out." -Anita, nine years oldHow Does a Person Decide Whom to marry?" You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one." -Kelly, nine years old"My mother says to look for a man who is kind...
.That's what I'll do...
.I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome." -Carolyn, eight years oldConcerning the Proper Age to Get Married
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife" -Bert, five years oldHow Did Your Mom and Dad Meet?" They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down...
It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values." -Lottie, nine years old"My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't tell me what kind." -Jeremy, eight years oldWhat Do Most People Do on a Date?" On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." -Martin, ten years old"Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love." -Craig, nine years oldWhen Is It Okay to Kiss Someone?" You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." -Allan, ten years old"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you...
.If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." -Kally, nine years oldThe Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married?" You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan" -Kirsten, ten years old"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them" -Anita, nine years old"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." -Will, seven years old

Top ten things not to say on your Anniversary

10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking.
9. Today is our what?
8. Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?
7. I thought we only celebrated important events?
6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.
5. You don't like what I pick out, so I thought why bother.
4. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this year. Here's a $5 gift certificate for McDonald's.
3. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.
2. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I'll take you to Pizza Hut if it'll shut ya up.
1. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.

Lawyers jokes

A guy is visiting San Francisco, and walks into a small store in
Chinatown.

He notices a small bronze statue of a rat.

He asks the owner "how much", and the owner replies "$50 for the bronze
rat, and $1000 for the story behind it".

The guy says, "forget the story", and buys the rat.

As he's walking down the street he notices two live rats following him.
As he continues to walk, more rats start following him.

He starts to get a little concerned, and heads for the waterfront. By
the time he gets there there are thousands and thousands of rats
following him.

He walks up to the end of the pier and throws the bronze rat into the
bay, and the rats all follow and leap off of the pier and drown.

The guy rushes back to the store and walks in. The owner says, "Ah!, so
your back for the story".

The guys says, "no, I was wondering if you have any bronze lawyers?"

Kylie Minogue showing sexy moves video

I have never seen Kylie Minogue So SEXY before watching this video.. Emm I m loving this vidoe, you guys enjoy now..
Well video speaks than words.

Coolest Comedy Video clips

If you can't give up your smoking habit, be cautious after watching this video clip.



Believe me Jesus Christ is singing a parody song. This video is hilarious.

Dating rules for college

1. In an imaginary world a kiss would signify the end of sexual
tension and the beginning of a relationship. In college, it means
somebody's horny.

2. In an imaginary world, "I really like spending time with you,"
and "you're cool," mean I REALLY like spending time with you and
you ARE cool. In college, it means "will you fuck me?"

3. In an imaginary world, holding hands is the first sign of true
love, in college it means someone is too drunk to stand on their
own.

4. In an imaginary world the guy buys dinner and a movie and
kisses you goodnight at your front door. In college, there is no
such thing as a dinner and a movie and at the end of a date, most
guys want a hell of lot more that a kiss goodnight.

5. In an imaginary world, men aren't afraid to admit their
feelings. In college, if you ask them what they want or why they
kissed you they respond, "Why do you think?" Refer to number one
for definition.

6. In an imaginary world, sleepovers are sleepovers. Just that.
In college it's a fuckfest or pretty close to it.

7. In an imaginary world the guy might call you the day after. In
college, you're lucky if he acknowledges your presence when you
walk by. Or if they do call back, refer to number one again, for
the reason.

8. In an imaginary world even gorgeous guys are nice. In college,
cute guys are asses, unattractive men are desparate, and nice
guys finish last.

9. In an imaginary world, sex is sacred and special. In college,
it happens every night between drunk strangers, who don't even
know each others names. IT ALWAYS SEEMS MEANINGLESS TO AT LEAST
ONE OF THE PARTNERS!

10. In an imaginary world, men have only one girl, chickie, babe,
woman. In college, you ARE the only one, except for, Jodi, Jean,
Alisha, Sara, Laura, Liz, Christy, Carrie, Jen, Mary, Katie,
Jocelyn, Lynda, Alyssa, Jessica, Cory, Rachel, Heather...

Cyber Sex

Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "Cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an online chat doesn't seem to quite get the point of Cybersex. Then again, maybe he does....

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?

Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Wal-Mart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner. It's smells funny.

Sweetheart: I want you! Would you like to screw me?

Wellhung: OK

Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.

Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.

Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.

Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.

Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.

Wellhung: My hands suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.

Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.

Wellhung: I'll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.

Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly...I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.

Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!

Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.

Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.

Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.

Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing you hard tool.

Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take of my panties!

Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you... ummm... wait a minute.

Sweetheart: What's the matter?

Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking!

Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit! I'm turning all red.

Sweetheart: Can I help?

Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?

Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.

Sweetheart: Come back to me lover.

Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.

Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.

Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.

Wellhung: Me too.

Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately our naked bodies pressing each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses?

Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.

Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.

Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover!

Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.

Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!

Sweetheart: What's the matter now?

Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.

Sweetheart: Mmmm, yes. Come on.

Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know...thing...in your... you know...woman's thing.

Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.

Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!

Wellhung: I'm flaccid.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.

Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around, an incredulous look on my face.

Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my wiener is all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.

Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.

Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.

Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.

Sweetheart: Go to hell! I'm logging off, you loser!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh nooooo!

Sweetheart: Bye!!

Sex With Teacher- Little Johnny

One day little Johnny comes home one day from school and his mom asks him how his day was.
He replies, "Mom, today I had sex with the teacher!"
Immediately she was angry. She said, "just wait 'till your dad gets home, he's going to be very mad at you. Go to your room!"
So the boy goes to his room and finally his dad is home and comes up to the room. The boy tells his dad and the dad is proud of the boy.
"Great job son! How old are you 12? 13? How about we go down to the store and get that shiny red bicycle you wanted?"
So, they go to the store and the dad buys the bike for his son. Then he says, "well Johnny, do you want to ride the bike home?"
The boy answers, " No, that's okay Dad, My ass is still sore!"

Top 10 reasons to go to work naked

1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"

2. Can take advantage of computer monitoring radiation to work on your tan.

3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

5. You want to see if it's like the dream.

6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

10. No one steals your chair.

Statistics About Sex

70% of women who smoke have had more than 4 lovers in the last year while 60% of female non-smokers had none.
* Women who respond to sex surveys in magazines like Cosmo may have 5 times as many lovers as typical women.
* Women who read romance novels have sex twice as often as those who don't.
* Women with a Ph.D. are twice as likely to be turned on by the thought of anonymous sex as women who never got a bachelor's degree.
* Women who went to college are more likely to enjoy oral sex (giving and receiving) than high school dropouts.
* National birthrates rise and fall with the height of heels.
* In a bar or nightclub, the hemlines and necklines of unaccompanied women rise and fall (respectively) during ovulation.
* Women who have a positive attitude towards sex tend to be less achievement oriented.
* White teenage girls who live with single mothers are 60% more likely to have sex before the age of 18 than those who live with both parents. The percentage is much lower for black girls.
* Women who lost their virginity before their 18th birthday are likely to be twice as sexually active as women who don't.
* Women who have spent a night in jail are almost 50% more likely to have had more than 10 lovers in the past year than women with no criminal record.
* Australian women are more likely to have sex on the first date.
* Latino women have sex more often than either Blacks or Whites, who get down at roughly the same rate.
* Black women are 50% more likely than White women to come every time they have sex.
* 20% of women who live with their boyfriends have more than one sex partner.

Top Ten Things That Math and Sex Have in Common

10. Explicit discussions of either topic is a faux pas at most cocktail parties.
9. Historically, men have been in control, but there are now efforts to get women more involved.
8. There are many joint results.
7. Both are prominent on college campuses, and are usually practiced indoors.
6. Most people wish they knew more about both subjects.
5. Both involve long and hard problems, and can produce interesting topology and geometry.
4. Both merit undivided attention, but mathematicians are prone to think about one while doing the other.
3. Saint Augustine was hostile to both, and Alan Turing took an unusual approach to both.
2. Both typically begin with a lot of hard work and end with a great but brief reward.
1. Professionals are generally viewed with suspicion, and most do not earn high pay.

Dating Kiss Tips

In dating or in any relationship a guy faces problem while he try to kiss a girl. The guy who is dating will not be sure whether the girl who he is dating is ready for a kiss or not. This brings him in a situation what to do or what not, which makes the mind to think in all possible ways. There is some type of hesitation in mind at the end of a date, when we are thinking of kissing. Lot of questions arises in our mind that what if she is not ready for a Kiss? Or what she thinks about me and how to start kissing her? So there are lot of tips to be keep in mind while you are going to kiss your date.

Kissing a girl during the date is very simple if you know what the girl likes in Kiss. Bring the romantic mood before you start kissing her. It is always best to have a private place where only you both are present. This makes the girl feel secure and private. Playing a soft music or candles in the private place add some spice in your kiss.

• Girls love to have a long kiss if it is going to be her first kiss with you.
• Girls don’t like bad breath while dating you or when you are kissing her. So be fresh.
• Girls love to hear nice words during a Kiss. They will enter into the real mood of getting a kiss when they hear nice words
• Girls like guys who experiment new ways while kissing. Before knowing how to kiss a girl you must know the various types of Kissing.
• Maintain eye contact as you close in for the kiss. Try not to close your eyes until after making lip contact.
• Press your lips gently against your dates. Try not to suck his or her breath away just yet.
• Never push things on the girl you date. Always know her interest and then proceed. Watch her body language before you kiss her.

Kissing Tips on Dating

A first kiss is the most special and memorable moment of everybody’s life. To make it even more special, it should always be done while the two of you are alone. This will help to avoid any unnecessary nervousness and embarrassing situations. There are many tips, so that we can enjoy this great memorable moment.

Kissing Tips

Great Breath – This is the very important part when you are going for kissing. There is nothing worse than kissing someone with bad breath. So be fresh while going for dating. Eat some mouth fresheners after eating something, not just before going for a kiss.

Moist Lips - You want your lips to be slightly moist when you kiss. Slightly moist lips makes it easier to move your lips over your partner’s and gives both you and your partner a more pleasant experience.

Close Eyes - Just before your lips meet, close your eyes. It is a good sign.

Closed Lips - Instead of opening your mouth when your lips meet, keep them closed. It also makes a great hello/good-bye kiss or a great first time kiss if you’re nervous.

Open Lips - Open your mouth slightly and place your lips over your partner’s lips. You may wish to move your lips in a slow, circular motion or just leave them still over your partners.

Positioning - Stand close to your partner. As the two of you move closer together tilt your head slightly in opposite directions.

There are many types of kissing and the best type of kiss is that which consists of different types of variations.

The world’s coolest elevators' ride

1. Sky Tower, Auckland, New Zealand.

The Southern Hemisphere’s tallest building…and a glass floor elevator!! A good enough reason for anyone to look down in the elevator.

2. Falkirk Wheel, Scotland, UK

What do you do when you have canals with drastically different heights? You build a boat elevator of course!

3. CN Tower, Toronto, Canada

Until the Burj Dubai came along, the CN Tower was the world’s tallest freestanding structure. The elevator travels at an impressive 22 feet per second, and the entire view is unobstructed during the ride.

4. AquaDom Elevator, Berlin, Germamy

Hey, let’s put the elevator in an aquarium and make it a tourist attraction in its own right. Kind of looks like the engine room from Star Trek, doesn’t it?

5. IM Pei Louvre Elevator, Paris France

This elevator is within the pyramid entrance to the Louvre. While there’s nothing special about the ride itself, the overall presentation is pretty slick.

6. Bailong Sightseeing Elevator, Hunan Province, China

Probably the coolest view of any elevator. The rugged nature of the scenery makes you forget you’re on an elevator.

7. Eiffel Tower Second stage elevator, Paris, France

It looks and feels like you’re going straight up on a giant roller coaster. Just look away from the rust.

8. Rockefeller Center Glasstop Roof Elevator, New York, USA

The glass roof of the elevator let’s you truly appreciate the 70-story height of the building.

9. Burj Dubai Construction Elevator, Dubai, UAE

The building is nowhere completion but already it’s nearly twice the height of the Empire State Building. This must be one hell of an interesting ride for the construction workers building it.

10. Tapai 101 Elevator, Tapai, Taiwan

Supposedly the worlds fastest elevator. Watch how fast the floor numbers change.

11. Burj Al Arab Hotel Elevator, Dubai, UAE

Spectacular blue view all the way down. You wouldn’t expect anything else from a 7-star hotel.

Ceiling Mural »

OU GOTTA LOVE THIS ONE. THIS IS A CEILING MURAL IN A SMOKING LOUNGE.

Chance to Win four tickets to the 2008 Beijing Olympics

YOUR CHANCE TO WIN 4 TICKETS AND ALL EXPENSES PAID INCLUDING AIR FARE AND HOTEL TO THE 2008 OLYMPIC GAMES IN BEIJING,CHINA.

To participate in this contest is easy, just view the photo below and correctly answer the following questions.
Send your answers to: International Olympic Committee, Private Bag, Lausanne, Switzerland. The first 10,000 correct entries will win.


1. Which student seems to appear tired/sleepy?

2. Which ones are male twins?

3. Which ones are the female twins?

4. How many women are in the group?

5. Which one is the teacher?


Wish You Good Luck!




Was that too tough?

Now, I guess you are not going either.

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

GEORGE W. BUSH
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either against us or for us. There is no middle ground regarding this chicken.

COLIN POWELL
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

JOHN KERRY
Although I originally voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it!

RALPH NADER
The chicken's habitat on the other side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrial greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

PAT BUCHANAN
That chicken crossed the road to steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

RUSH LIMBAUGH
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet that somebody out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars. And when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build a road for chickens to cross!

MARTHA STEWART
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

JERRY FALWELL
The chicken crossed the road because the chicken was gay - isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what they call it - the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."

DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken went across the road,
But as for the reason, I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY
The chicken crossed the road to die in the rain. Alone.

MARTIN LUTHER KING JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

BARBARA WALTERS
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.

ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX
It was an historic inevitability that the chicken would cross the road.

CAPTAIN KIRK
The chicken crossed the road to boldly go where no chicken had ever gone before.

SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES
I have just released eChicken2004, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook...and Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken.

ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. And what is your definition of chicken, anyway?

AL GORE
I invented the chicken!

THE BIBLE
And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken "THOU SHALT CROSS THE ROAD." And the chicken didst cross the road, and there was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS
Did I miss one?

The coolest bedroom in the World

I think this is the coolest bedroom I’ve ever seen…

Although I think that maybe there is too much water and it looks a little too cold to me…

But it is a nice idea… To some people it might look like a bedroom

coolest bedroom

Benefits of Being a Woman

1. We got off the Titanic first. 2. We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses. 3. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers. 4. We can cry and get off speeding fines. 5. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game. 6. Taxis stop for us.

7. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing. 8. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies (you get the point). 9. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life. 10. No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo. 11. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves. 12. If we forget to shave, no one has to know. 13. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her butt. 14. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there. 15. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute. 16. We have the ability to dress ourselves. 17. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked. 18. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot. 19. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems. 20. We'll never regret piercing our ears. 21. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes. 22. We'll never discover we've been duped by a Wonderbra.

Kids Explain Love

How can you tell if two adults eating dinner at a restaurant are in love?

• "Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love." -- Bobby, age 9

• "Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold... Other people care more about the food." -- Bart, age 9

• "Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they are just wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or they just broke up." --Sarah, age 9

• "See if the man has lipstick on his face." -- Sandra, age 7

• "It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are --- on fire." -- Christine, age 9

What are some titles of the love ballads you can sing to your beloved?

• "'How Do I Love Thee When You're Always Picking Your Nose?'" -- Arnold, age 10

• "'You Are My Darling Even Though You Also Know My Sister.'" -- Larry, age 8

• "'I Love Hamburgers, I Like You!'" -- Eddie, age 6

• "'I Am in Love with You Most of the Time, but Don't Bother Me When I'm with My Friends.'" -- Bob, age 9

• "'Hey, Baby, I Don't like Girls but I'm Willing to Forget You Are One!'" -- Will, age 7

• "'Honey, I Got Your Curly Hair and Your Nintendo on My Mind.'" -- Sharon, age 9

What most people are thinking when they say "I love you"?

• "The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day." -- Michelle, age 9

• "Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they finally got it out and said it and now they can go eat." -- Dick, age 7

How did love start?

• "Cupid kissed God and that got the ball rollin'." -- Julio, age 9

• "One of the Greek lady gods got a crush on one of the Greek man gods. He tried to hit her with lightning and thunderbolts, but he just couldn't get her away from him ... After a while, they became the first married gods." -- Robbie, age 8

Why does love happen between two particular people?

• "One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too." -- Andrew, age 6

• "No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell ... That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." -- Mae, age 9

• "I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." -- Manuel, age 8

What is falling in love like?

• "Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." -- John, age 9

• "If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." -- Glenn, age 7

What is the role of beauty and handsomeness in love?

• "If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." -- Anita C., age 8

• "It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." -- Brian, age 7

• "Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." -- Christine, age 9

How important is love?

• "Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too." -- Greg, age 8

How do people in love typically behave?

• "Mooshy ... like puppy dogs ... except puppy dogs don't wag their tails nearly as much." -- Arnold, age 10

• "When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down and they don't get up for at least an hour." -- Wendy, age 8

• "All of a sudden, the people get movies fever so they can sit together in the dark." -- Sherm, age 8

Why do lovers often hold hands?

• "They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them." -- Gavin, age 8

• "They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing." -- John, age 9

Confidential opinions about love

• "I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'Dinosaurs' is on television." -- Jill, age 6

• "Love is foolish ... but I still might try it sometime." -- Floyd, age 9

• "Yesterday I kissed a girl in a private place ... We were behind a tree." -- Carey, age 7

• "Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." -- Dave, age 8

• "I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." -- Regina, age 10

What personal qualities you need to have in order to be a good lover?

• "Sensitivity don't hurt." -- Robbie, age 8

• "One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." -- Ava, age 8

What are some surefire ways to make a person fall in love with you?

• "Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." -- Del, age 6

• "Shake your hips and hope for the best." -- Camille, age 9

• "Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs ... and don't worry if their parents are right there." -- Manuel, age 8

• "Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." -- Alonzo, age 9

• "One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me." -- Bart, age 9

58 Ways to Get Rid of Blind Dates

1. At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it.
2. Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table.
3. Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.
4. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.
5. Repeat every third third word you say say.
6. Give your claim to fame as being voted "Most Festerous" for your high school yearbook.
7. Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.
8. Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly.
9. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what they are talking about.
10. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.
11. Order a bucket of lard.
12. Ask for crayons to color the place mat. This works very well in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.
13. Howl and whistle at women's legs, especially if you are female.
14. Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.
15. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about themselves.
16. Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme.
17. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.
18. Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than s/he does.
19. Drool.
20. Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and spray crumbs.
21. Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you.
22. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him/her "What took you so long in the restroom?!?"
23. Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.
24. Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the subject up.
25. Ask your date how much money they have with them.
26. Order for your date. Order something nasty.
27. Communicate in mime the entire evening.
28. Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, where you have a you have a good view of all exits, and where you can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.
29. Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs.
30. Hum. Loudly. In monotone.
31. Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and pepper shakers, silverware, floral arrangements... i.e., anything on the table that isn't bolted down.
32. Hold a debate. Take both sides.
33. Auction your date off for silverware.
34. Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.
35. Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you "never got". When the waiter returns with another potato for you, have the first one back up on the plate. Repeat later in the meal.
36. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on tape, and use good judgment in editing to twist their words around.
37. Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.
38. Speak in pig latin throughout the meal (Or ubber-dubber language, or just nonsense).
39. Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Insist that they just need airing out.
40. If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take one bite.
41. Bring 20 or so candles you, and during the meal get up and arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant.
42. Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking them home to your invalid, senile old mother, because it's a lot cheaper than actually feeding her.
43. Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.
44. Take a thermos along, and hide it under the table. Order coffee, and fill the thermos one cup at a time, taking advantage of the free refills.
45. Insist that the waiter cuts your food into little pieces. In a similar vein, insist that he take a bite of everything on the plate, to make sure no one poisoned it.
46. Accuse your date of espionage.
47. Make odd allusions to dangerous religious cults.
48. Don't use any verbs during the entire meal.
49. Pass the hat in the restaurant. Use the proceeds (if any) to pay the bill.
50. Feed imaginary friends, or toy dolls you've brought along.
51. Bring a bucket along. Explain that you frequently get ill.
52. Make sure your entire outfit was purchased at the Purdue University Bookstore.
53. After kissing him/her explain that you're doing a study on the spread of mononucleosis.
54. Shoot hoops with shrimp into his/her wine glass.
55. Show up with make up on ninety percent of your body...all lipstick... especially if you're male.
56. Dominate the conversation. Every time your date opens his/her mouth, interrupt and start a new conversation.
57. As you food arrives, mention how long it's been since you last ate raw meat.
58. Yawn. Don't cover your mouth. Roar.

How to be annoying online

The coolest ways to become annoying online.....

1. Make up fake acronyms. Online veterans like to use abbreviations like IMHO (in my humble opinion) or RTFM (read the fucking manual) to show that they're "hep" to the lingo. Make up your own that don't stand for anything (SETO, BARL, CP30), use them liberally, and then refuse to explain what they stand for ("You don't know that? RTFM").

2. WRITE YOUR MESSAGES IN ALL CAPS AND DON'T USE RETURNS SO THAT EVERYONE HAS TO SCROLL ACROSS THEIR SCREENS TO READ EVERY LINE. ALSO USE A LOT OF !!!!! TO SHOW THAT YOU'RE EXCITED ABOUT BEING HERE!

3. When replying to your mail, correct everyone's grammar and spelling and point out their typos, but don't otherwise respond to the content of their messages. when they respond testily to your "creative criticism," do it again. Continue until they go away.

4. Software and files offered online are often "compressed" so that they won't take so long to travel over the phone lines. Buy a compression program and compress everything you send, including one-word e-mail responses like "Thanks."

5. Upload text files with Bible passages about sin or guilt and give them names like "SexyHousewivesI," then see how many people download it. Challenge your friends to come up with the most popular come-ons.

6. cc: all your e-mail to Al Gore (vice.president@whitehouse.gov) so that he can keep track of what's happening on the Internet.

7. Join a discussion group and tie whatever's being discussed back to an unrelated central theme. For instance, if you're in a discussion of gun control, respond to every message with the observation that those genetically superior tomatoes seem to have played an important role. Within days, all discussion of gun control will have ceased as people write you threatening messages and instruct others to ignore you.

Top 25 things that only happen in the movies

This is all about coolest things that only happen in the movies......
1. It is always possible to find a parking spot directly outside or opposite the building you are visiting.

2. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a note. Just grab one out at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

3. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment it's aired.

4. Creepy music (or satanic chanting) coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.

5. Any lock can be picked with a credit card or paperclip in seconds. UNLESS it's the door to a burning building with a child inside.

6. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

7. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red digital displays so you know exactly when they are going to explode.

8. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to learn to speak German. Simply speaking English with a German accent will do. Similarly, when they are alone, all German soldiers prefer to speak English to each other.

9. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off. Even while scuba diving.

10. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.

11. Any police officer about to retire from the force will more often than not die on their last day (especially if their family have planned a party). (Caveat: Detectives can only solve a case after they have been suspended from duty).

12. Getaway cars never start first go. But all cop cars do. (They will also slide to a dramatic stop in the midst of a crime scene).

13. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.

14. On a police stake-out, the action will only ever take place when food is being consumed and scalding hot coffees are perched precariously on the dashboard…

15. All grocery shopping involves the purchase of French loaves which will be placed in open brown paper bags (Caveat: when said bags break, only fruit will spill out).

16. Cars never need fuel (unless they're involved in a pursuit).

17. If you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts, your opponents will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around you in a threatening manner until you have defeated their predecessor.

18. If a microphone is turned on it will immediately feedback.

19. Guns are like disposable razors. If you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. you will always find another one.

20. All single women have a cat.

21. Cars will explode instantly when struck by a single bullet.

22. No matter how savagely a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.

23. If being chased through a city you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

24. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. Nobody will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.

25. You will survive any battle in any war UNLESS you show someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Drug-dealers vs software developers

Drug dealers	Software developers
Refer to their clients as "users".	Refer to their clients as "users".
"The first one's free!"	"Download a free trial version..."
Have important South-East Asian connections (to help move the stuff).	Have important South-East Asian connections (to help debug the code).
Strange jargon: "Stick", "Rock", "Dime bag," "E".	Strange jargon: "SCSI", "ISDN", "Java", "RTFM"
Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market.	Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market.
Job is assisted by industry's producing newer, more potent mixes.	Job is assisted by industry's producing newer, faster machines.
Often seen in the company of pimps and hustlers.	Often seen in the company of marketing people and venture capitalists (same thing).
Their product causes unhealthy addictions.	DOOM. Quake. SimCity. Duke Nukem 3D. 'Nuff said.
Do your job well, and you can sleep with sexy movie stars who depend on you.	Damn! Damn! DAMN!!!