Airline Humor

PILOT HUMOR...We Hope!

The Three Worst Things to Hear in a Cockpit:
1. OH Sh#t!
2. I have an Idea!
3. Hey, Watch this!

Ten Ways To Tell If Your Pilot is on Drugs:
1. All the in-flight meals are missing their dessert squares.
2. In between "May I" and "have your attention" there's a 45-minute pause.
3. He's constantly yelling, "Take that, Red Baron!"
4. Shuttle from Newyork to Boston includes stopover in Colombia.
5. His copilot: Robert Downey Jr.
6. For the last hour, he's been riding the beverage cart like a rodeo cowboy.
7. Keeps coming on the P.A. to point out clouds that look like his old highschool teachers.
8. His wings are pinned to his bare chest.
9. When you fly over International Date Line, he yells, "Dude! We're, like, time traveling!"
10. When he exhales, the oxygen masks drop.

Murphy Laws For Frequent Flyers:
No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.
If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.
If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.
Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.
If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper.
Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.
The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.
The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you.
The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.

Flight Crew Code Words:
Blue ice = frozen toilet water
Choppy Air = severe turbulence
Hockey Puck = tasteless deli sandwich
Jetbag = very senior flight attendant
New Arrival Time = late!
NFR = 'Nother 'Friggin Runner (passenger arriving late)
Refrigerator = carry-on piece too large for overhead bin
Restricted Visibility = a white out or bad fog
Self-loading cargo = passengers
Showers = severe thunderstorm
Slam Dunk = very hard landing
Slider = tasteless breakfest omelet

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